Opening a gift during the holidays while surrounded by onlookers can create excitement or dread. The person giving you the gift has likely put a lot of time, money, and a lot of thought and care into choosing it. Ideally, you will love it, but it is possible that you will feel confused, offended, somewhat horrified, or disappointed.
Then what? Enjoy some awkward moments trying to control your facial expressions while figuring out what to say.
“There’s a lot of pressure on giving and receiving gifts,” says Nicholas Schmidt, senior director of conflict resolution and training at Community Mediation Services, Inc., a nonprofit organization that helps people resolve conflicts constructively. Growing up, his family took turns opening presents, “so everyone would stare at you as you opened presents,” he says. “You couldn’t get lost in the chaos of everyone opening their presents, you had center stage.” It led to a few less than celebratory moments.
That’s why Schmidt suggests setting yourself up for success by lowering your expectations beforehand. If you go to the holiday expecting a certain gift, and that’s not what you open, it’s going to be very difficult not to look annoyed or sad: “Just because the box is the size of a PlayStation 5, doesn’t mean you’re going to get a PlayStation 5.”
We asked the experts what’s the best thing to say when you receive a gift you don’t like, and it turns out all it takes is two little words.
Best response…
If you want an upgraded coffee machine and you have unwrapped the third blender, look into your mother’s eyes and say: “What a thoughtful idea!” These two words can go a long way toward avoiding hurt feelings while at the same time showing appreciation for something that did not live up to expectations.
“It’s a true statement, even if you hate it,” says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert who hosts workshops and gives keynotes on good manners. “You’re acknowledging that someone spent time and effort and didn’t just phone them, and you can really stand by that statement without feeling like you’re being disingenuous.”
Read more: 9 ways to make holiday gift giving less stressful
Schmitt repeats this suggestion. He still remembers the time, early in high school, when all his friends were asking for digital cameras. He wanted one too, and it was handed down from a relative – almost. “It was the right size for the camera, and the weight of the camera was right for it,” he says. “I opened the package, and yes, it was a camera, but it wasn’t digital or even battery-powered.” He was crushed, and although he couldn’t remember exactly how he responded, he knew he didn’t do a good job of hiding his disappointment. “Looking back, I would have said something like: ‘That’s really thoughtful,'” he says. “How did you know I wanted a camera?”
Keep in mind that the tone you use to thank someone for a gift matters almost as much as the words you choose. “Toning is everything,” Farley says. There’s “How thoughtful,” delivered in a sarcastic, cutting tone, and “How thoughtful!” Full of appreciation and warmth. Do your best to support this with your body language too, smile and perhaps give the gift recipient a hug or a pat on the arm.
Backup options
The old saying is true: It is truly better to give than to receive. Research indicates We experience longer-lasting happiness when we give to others, compared to when we receive a gift. Keep this in mind when you react to a gift: You don’t want to strip someone of their joy. “When you’re kind, you’re giving the other person the greatest gift you can give them, which is the opportunity you have to give,” says ethics expert Yonason Goldson, who runs a company that teaches business leaders how to build a culture of ethics. “Do you really want to crush their spirits when they think they’re about to make your day special?”
Goldson has a few favorite tried-and-true responses to this situation. They are all sincere, he says, while expressing their appreciation. among them:
- “I never dreamed I’d get one of these!”
- “How did you ever find this?”
- “You’re too kind to think of that!”
- “I can’t wait to have the opportunity to use this.”
- “I didn’t expect this in 100 years!”
It’s also a good idea to get curious. After an initial honest but kind answer, Schmitt suggests focusing on a follow-up question. If you’re given a jacket that doesn’t match your usual style, for example, you might ask: “What made you think of me?”
When Schmidt’s grandfather died, his grandmother sent him one of his hats, but it wasn’t the one Schmitt expected. He emailed her and asked why she chose it, and she responded by telling a story about the way her husband wore the hat, and how it reminded her of her grandson. “I could have said, ‘Thank you, I love it,'” he says. “But then I would never have known that extra story.”
Is it correct for me to request a replacement?
Maybe you would love the sweater your mother-in-law gave you, if only it were two sizes bigger. It’s a good idea to exchange them, especially if you have a gift receipt and can do it yourself, Farley says. “Wear it next time you see them, and they’ll be none the wiser,” he says.
If you do not have a gift receipt, the situation is more complicated, but sometimes it is still worth touching on. You could put it this way, he suggests: “I really like my new jacket, and I wanted to see if there was a way you could get it in a different size that would fit me better.”
Read more: The 4-word trick to saying a great goodbye
“Think about the donor’s true intentions,” Farley says. “They want you to like it, and they want you to be able to use it. If you can’t, because it’s too small or too big, as a giftee, I’d much rather you know that than to bite your tongue and give it to Goodwill.”
There’s another benefit to speaking too, which could extend far into the future. “If you stay silent, you may be committing yourself to getting the wrong size in something for life because you said it was perfect for you,” Farley points out. By bringing up this issue in a kind and gentle way, you help ensure that you won’t have to hire “How thoughtful” once again.
Are you wondering what to say in a difficult social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com