Even if you’ve never heard of kin preservation before, you’ve seen it in action.
Throughout my childhood, I remember my mother speaking on the phone almost daily with my paternal grandparents. I planned family meals with them. She bought them Christmas and Christmas presents. Time passed and my parents separated. But by then, her in-laws were already like a second family to my mother. I recently learned that everything I did had a proper name: kin-keeping.
according to Psychology TodayFamily kin guard is a social role – generally assumed by women – that involves fostering and protecting relationships with extended family members and friends. Although this sounds good in theory, during the holidays it can seem like another mental burden to bear.
This is because the emotional labor of being the family bond, often done by our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters, is often underappreciated. Now, I think back to Christmases past and I remember how tired my mother looked afterward. This is because she took care of everything so that we could have a magical day.
Keeping relatives is an invisible (but no less stressful) job. It means staying in regular contact with family and friends. This means remembering birthdays and other notable events. Just like my mother used to remember her ex-husband when he was like that for him Mother’s Day, thousands of women continue to do the same with their partners.
In addition to managing and scheduling the family’s social calendar, the kin keeper is also expected to be actively involved. At family reunions and holiday parties, know everyone’s circumstances and remember to ask for updates on their lives. In short, she’s always on the ball. All this mental effort is a burden that, especially during the holiday season, can lead to burnout.
This role doesn’t disappear after Christmas is over, either. The family kin keeper does not give up his role just because it is December 26th. They may do it on a smaller scale, but it’s a 24/7 job.
Apart from the mental burden, there is physical work involved in maintaining relatives as well. Buying and wrapping gifts is not a quick or easy task, no matter how small it may seem, not to mention the mental gymnastics required to choose the best gift for each family member as well as keep track of everything. (And let’s be honest: Relatives’ keepers are usually their own secret Santa, too.) They prepare lunches and dinners. They organize and lead family outings. They are the main source of childcare when school is closed for the holiday. It’s no wonder that by January, many women are at their wits’ end.