I am a 44 year old man, with… Seven years son. His mother and me They divorced, and she moved out when he was three. We share custody; He is with me three days/nights a week – Including part of the weekend. He does He does well in school and has diverse interests. He is a very happy child and the most precious thing to me.
I hope I was in a steady relationship with a wonderful woman for three years. She and my son get along beautifully. He looks forward to seeing her and she loves him so much.
II was Consider getting married again. All the ingredients for a happy life are availableBut I’m worried It may have a negative effect on my son. I don’t want to show any Confusion in his life
While he spent a lot of time With my girlfriend and I, It seems he doesn’t understand yet We are in a relationship. A few months Since he heard me point she has On the phone As my “friend” she said, “I thought it was her He was your friend. I didn’t know her “She was your friend.” We didn’t discuss it further and I was careful not to refer to her as my “friend” again.
I don’t know how to talk to him about this Without making it Unsafe or confused. thisI also feel like it might be better to take it This step is now Later, when he is a pre-teen/teen – Because maybe he’ll feel completely different afterward. I don’t know if you are Excessive cautionbut I don’t want to do anything that would interfere with his childhood and happiness.
The first thing you may have to understand is that your child’s reaction may not be exactly what you want, or it may change. But it’s up to you as a parent to stabilize this, and you will do so because you are thoughtful.
She went to UKCP-registered psychologist, Lucy Fuller, who said: ‘Words like ‘girlfriend’, ‘partner’ or ‘spouse’ may have a different definition to a seven-year-old than they do to you.’
She also wanted to reassure you that “we can often forget that adults have the right to have romantic relationships.”
As long as you are age appropriate, remember to be confident, because children take the initiative from us. “If we are hesitant, anxious or secretive, children pick up on our anxiety without being able to understand what they are feeling, which can lead to acting out inappropriately and having a negative impact on family dynamics,” Fuller said.
It’s important to remain sensitive to your child’s feelings, but Fuller wanted you to keep in mind that in some cases, “if parents aren’t clear about their expectations for how a partner will be accepted, children can feel like they have the potential to activate their immature, instinctive need to reject a new partner who they can (and often do) view as a threat to their mom or dad.”
“So be clear that your new partner is an addition to the broader family and will fulfill his own role, and is in no way a replacement or replacement for your son’s mother. You have to reassure him that you love your friend, but that does not diminish your love for him. That love is not shared between you two, but is multiplied to include everyone.”
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I don’t know how you and your son talk to each other best, but maybe do something you both enjoy. Treat it with gentle confidence – because that will make him confident – and maybe go back to that conversation where he said your girlfriend was just your girlfriend as a starting point. What does girlfriend mean?
At this point, Fuller suggests you bring up the topic of marriage. “Encourage him to ask questions about your girlfriend — and answer in an age-appropriate way — and your relationship. Answer confidently while reaffirming your love for him and his importance to both of you. Emphasize how much your girlfriend likes him, but keep in mind that his concern will be more about how he fits into the new dynamic,” she says.
And remember, children are endlessly fascinated by the practicalities. You’re thinking about emotions, but his questions, at least at first, may be too logistical.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal problem submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our Terms and Conditions. Annalisa’s latest podcast series is here here.