Dear Eric: My 30 -year -old son is very physically handicapped due to exhausted muscle disease. It requires 100 percent assistance with all life functions. He has no cognitive disabilities, and he is very smart and got a bachelor’s degree. My husband retired two years ago and is his main care provider.
People who are likely to be in good faith, ask how to do, and when we respond as in good condition despite the progress of his illness and that he deals with his very difficult situation with grace and small complaint, they then follow questions about what he does, does he have plans to work, and then he often begins to suggest jobs he can think of.
These people have no idea about the challenges he faces every day, and my husband and I feel that, as long as he is happy and satisfied, this is all that matters. We try to make it clear that having a job will create a lot of pressure on him and will ask my husband to be with him to help at all times. In addition, one element we do not feel the need to share is that if it mainly gets the minimum wage, it will lose its benefits.
We do not believe that we owe anyone with an explanation and despite trying to respond for a short period and better on their questions, they inevitably continue to pressure the topic.
We appreciate the people who ask about it, but we also appreciate it if they accept our response and move to other topics of the conversation. How can we respond to these unsensary interrogations without reaching a defense or angry?
– Do an explanation
Dear explain: One of the options is to serve less on the way to update. Simple “it’s fine, thank you,” the detectors with good intentions give a lower number of ways to make suggestions. Another option is repetition, but firmly reminds people that they do not know what they are talking about. “Oh, we have thought of all of this and more. Trust me, this is where we should be exactly. We have practiced 30 years in this matter, so we have become experts. It will take 30 years to catch you, and I do not want to carry you.”
You are right that you do not condemn anyone with an explanation. So, whatever the path you choose, he also knows that it is completely good – and not at all defensive – to boycott a proposal you have never asked and change the topic.
Dear Eric: My mother came and standing for two days. My mother has a form of dementia, although we all feel that she sometimes plays.
My mother never missed an opportunity to strike me or slap me as a child, but rather shattered the wooden mortal on my head, which really angered her. I think you get the picture.
In any case, we went to dinner, looked at me and said: “Oh, see, mindless poetry”, and I took it out of my head! You did not try to move it or let me move it. It was especially annoying for me because I was trying to grow my hair after I lost everything for chemotherapy.
I made it clear to her care providers that I will not come to visit her anymore. I feel that it has exceeded my physical safety, and I get Willies whenever I try to touch me.
During my last visit with her, there were times when she did not know who I was, and I did not feel safe with her.
Am I wrong after this incident, don’t I want to see it again. Despite everything, I was always a useful daughter, but I just feel that she crossed this time that I could no longer deal with him.
– Daughter harm
Her dear daughter: The abuse of your mother in the past is an unforgivable thing. You don’t have to submit to yourself at the present time. You can be given priority to keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. Discover what is right. This may not mean more material connection, only phone calls and video visits. This is not a harsh abandonment-it has a business, and from your saying, it may make its previous behavior and current ability dangerous personal meetings on both of you. Talk to her Chargé d’Affairs about the boundaries she sets and obtained the assistant director of the manager to continue supporting your mother in any way you feel safe without prejudice to your special well -being.
I know that this stage of life takes a lot of time and mental energy, but when you find space, please talk to a trusted therapist, advisor or friend about what his experience. What happened to you was not right and you do not deserve it. You deserve the place and time to treat it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas on Eric@askingeric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Instagram And registration in the weekly newsletter in RECTHOMAS.COM))