How to respond to “How are you?” When you’re not feeling well

If you’ve seen Nora McInerney at her husband of 35 years’ funeral, you’ll probably think she’s never looked better. That was the consensus “according to a lot of people,” she says, perhaps partly because she lost weight after barely eating for months — but also because she kept insisting she was absolutely and completely fine.

That, of course, was a lie she was telling herself and others. “I felt the worst I’d ever felt, and I didn’t feel anything at all,” she says. “And what did I do? I stood there and told everyone I was fine, and changed the subject. I told everyone I was fine to the point that everyone in my life believed me. “She’s doing great! Look at her! Look at her Instagram account! “It’s in great shape.”

McInerney – author of books incl It’s okay to laugh (crying is okay too) and No happy endings– Hosts podcasts Thanks for the question (formerly known as Awesome, thanks for the question(the response is always on the tip of her tongue). Within six weeks in 2014, her father died, her husband died of brain cancer, and she miscarried her second child. It makes sense, then, that the amount of time you’ve spent thinking about what to say when someone asks how you’re doing, and the truth isn’t “good.”

What is the appropriate response? We asked McInerney and other experts how to know what’s best.

Flip the script

About a year ago, Jennifer C. Philo sets a goal for herself: that she will never try to answer with “I’m fine” or “I’m fine” if she doesn’t really feel that way. When she notices those words coming out of her mouth — which happens sometimes — she corrects herself and tells the other person that she’s trying to avoid sticking to the script we all generally expect.

“We know what we’re supposed to say: ‘I’m fine, how are you?'” But that’s often not true, says Filo, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, who studies emotion. “It’s become more common now to try to reason and say, ‘Okay, how.’ I am I do? Am I okay or not? How can I answer this question in a way that reflects the reality of my moment?

Read more: 11 Things to Say When Someone Dies Besides “I’m Sorry”

Veilleux wants to avoid “expressive suppression,” or the tendency to hide feelings from others. “She holds up a smiling mask, while things are falling apart inside,” she says. Research indicates Suppressing emotions is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and stress, as well as poor relationships. “Emotions are designed to be expressed, and that’s one of their functions,” she says. When people habitually hold onto them as a way to deal with or control their emotions, it is “associated with a lot of psychological problems.”

Since swearing “I’m fine,” Philo has found that people react “pretty well” to her more honest answers. “I think as humans we strive for connection and belonging, it’s a basic human need,” she says. “So to have a real answer to this question seems refreshing.”

First, measure someone’s ability to know the truth

As a child life specialist and therapist, Kelsey Mora specializes in supporting families affected by illness, grief, and tragedy. “In other words, families are often ‘not doing well,’” she says.

It can be helpful to evaluate how willing the person asking how you’re doing is to hear the messy truth, Mora says, especially if they don’t already know what you’re going through. You can phrase it like this: “Are you ready for the honest answer?” “Do you really want to know?” Or: “Do you want the long answer or the short answer?” She adds that the goal is not to protect or shield other people’s feelings from reality. It is to ensure that they are able to provide you with the support you need.

McInerney believes it takes conversational consent. Sometimes she’ll text her best friend and say, “Can I call you and have a complete mental breakdown?” The answer might be “Sure” – or it might be “Sure, but in 15 minutes.” “Then I shouldn’t feel angry because she didn’t answer,” she says. “I don’t have to be disappointed.”

Keep these helpful answers close to you

Depending on how much you want to reveal, there are a variety of ways you can answer honestly when someone asks you how you’re doing. It’s not just What But, she says how You say that’s important. For example, Veilleux sometimes responds: “Honestly? I’m on the struggle bus right now – this week is a lot.” She says it in a positive tone and laughs in a “you know what that’s like” way. I find that people tend to empathize and say, “I hear you! This time of year is tough.” “It’s honest, but it doesn’t require a lot of disclosure,” she says.

Veilleux also keeps these answers in her back pocket:

• “I know I’m supposed to say I’m fine, but I’m actually not fine right now.”
• “I’m straight, that’s all I can say.”
• “barely.”
• “Honestly, it’s not that great.”
• “I’m having a hard time right now.”

Each answer is honest, she says, while inviting the other person to ask what’s going on, without making them feel obligated to do so. “You will either receive the caring and compassionate response, ‘Tell me more; You can dump me,” or you’ll get a “what a waste” response, where the person says, “I don’t want your feelings right now.” When the latter happens, you can try again with someone else who may have a greater ability to listen, Filo adds.

Read more: 10 ways to respond to someone’s bad news

If you’re thinking about what to say, keep in mind that an honest answer is more important than a “correct” answer, says Tyler Kuo, who created… How are we today?a PBS comedy series aimed at helping people talk about mental health more openly. For a long time, Ko kept his experiences with bipolar disorder secret, never revealing what he was really feeling.

Now, when people ask him how he’s doing, he pauses, assesses how he’s really feeling, and then answers honestly. This might mean saying, “I’m having a rough day” when with a friend, or telling them, “I’m not good right now, but I’m working on improving it.” He might also issue this warning: “Hey, I’m about to move freely here, but I’ll tell you frankly how I feel.” If he’s at work, he might choose “I manage.”

“The key is not to do well when you’re not,” he says, acknowledging that it probably won’t feel natural at first. “I’m honest about who I am, but it took my whole life to get to this point.”

Even when it’s not, sometimes “Okay, thanks” does the trick

If you’re checking out at Target and the cashier asks how you’re doing — and the truth is, your life is a mess — it’s best to simply say you’re fine. The same is true if you’re passing a colleague in the hallway and you only have 30 seconds to get where you want to be.

There are other situations where it might make sense to stick to the script, too: If you’re talking to someone who has ignored your feelings or been hurtful in the past, for example, Filo says.

If you simply don’t want to talk about your condition, you can protect yourself by saying, “I’m fine,” Mora adds. She also likes this way of setting boundaries while maintaining authenticity: “Honestly, it’s been hard, but I’m not ready to talk about it now.” This can work well when, for example, you’re about to give a presentation at work and can’t afford to appear inappropriate. “It’s okay to say whatever you need to do to do your job,” she says, as long as you find a way to express your feelings at another point.

Remember: most people care

When McInerney was struggling — yet telling everyone she was fine — she assumed they would be able to read her thoughts and only that He knows How was she really feeling? “I thought it was completely reasonable to expect that,” she says. “I’m lying straight to your face, but I want you to somehow feel that I’m lying to you.” She believed that by minimizing her grief, she was doing the right thing: “What’s our national anthem in America? It says, ‘You’re all right, pick yourself up; “Anyone can do it.” “If you can’t, it feels like a personal failure.”