My mother always said that if humans became extinct, the next intelligent species to appear on the planet would be raccoons. It’s easy to see her point. Procyon LotorThe North American raccoon is a unique creature. They are intelligent, adaptable, can live in a wide range of environments, and have clever little hands that can pick locks and open locked containers.
In the past, my parents would fight raccoons, mostly to keep them away from the large steel can in which my father kept his birdseed. The raccoon has demonstrated its ability to remove the bungee cords holding the cover down, to loosen the clips; Dad eventually had to tie the can lid with a chain and padlock to prevent raccoon access.
Now we’re seeing another way raccoons could be on their way to more human-like behavior, as happened in Virginia, where a masked bandit broke into a liquor store, drove alcohol into the state, and then… He passed out in the bathroom.
A masked robber broke into a closed Virginia liquor store early Saturday and crashed into the bottom shelf where whiskey and whiskey were stored. The highwayman was a nightly menace: bottles were smashed, ceiling tiles collapsed and alcohol pooled on the floor.
The suspect acted like an animal because he was actually a raccoon.
On Saturday morning, an employee at an Ashland, Virginia-area liquor store found the trash panda passed out on the bathroom floor at the end of a drunken escape.
One person’s trash may be a raccoon’s treasure, but in this case, the trash panda in question seems willing to go a few steps, genre-wise, and emulate classic human behavior: getting drunk and passing out. It’s a safe bet he didn’t Raccoon With the hangover he will suffer later.
Let’s hope he’s at least smart enough to get into the good stuff, though something like 15-year-old Glenlivet seems wasted on a five-pound litter panda.
Read more: Baby Otter’s tumultuous rescue ends in a happy reunion
Under the floorboards: An Altadena man hosts Bear Nightmare
Here, check out the Frenzy track, as well Unconscious creature:
The raccoon got drunk like a skunk! The animal was found passed out in a liquor store bathroom after breaking in and helping itself to whiskey and whisky https://t.co/EP0qrVQbAS
– Daily Mail (@DailyMail) December 3, 2025
I’m not one to get involved in it waste Speaking, but if this raccoon wants to take on a more human role in the world, he might want to start with something other than a penchant for a drinking problem. Of course, he could have made worse decisions; He could have gotten a job shoveling manure, or even run for political office. Well, maybe not the last. Even raccoons, after all, have some standards.
Fortunately, Rocky the Raccoon here came out of his adventure unscathed. Well, mostly.
“After a few hours of sleep and no signs of injury (other than perhaps the effects of alcohol and poor life choices), he was safely released back into the wild, hopefully learning that breaking and entering is not the answer,” Animal Control said.
For raccoons, I recommend taking a couple of aspirin and a glass of water to help deal with the hangover. This is something I have some experience with.
This seems appropriate:
Editor’s note: Do you enjoy RedState’s bizarre animal reports on the nefarious activities of invasive creatures? Support our work so we can continue bringing you the truth.
Join RedState VIP and use promo code He fights To get 60% off your VIP membership!