Dear Eric: My husband and my son are both on the spectrum of autism. Our son brought us a sofa from IKEA and left it in his home. They should be assembled with hanging curtains and curtain bars are installed.
We are both 75 years old. Our son works full time and ends the thesis of his master. It is unlikely to be able to help install the curtain even though it is well with furniture. He lives in a somewhat isolated area in another state and has no friends. I know that my husband needs help in doing this work, but …
My husband met a woman in the local Big Box store and had a conversation with her. It is about the age of our son. My husband (without discussing it with me first) asked her if she was ready to go out with him to our son’s house (from 7 to 8 hours), staying at home for three days, helping my husband to put the furniture together and meet our son. She is currently single. All this without telling our son of secret success plans.
I feel dismay for all kinds of reasons, but my husband says I am not open.
What do you think?
– Wife and mother worried
Dear wife and mother: Your support and your husband provide your son very nice. However, this may be seen as a storming or transgression, rather than a nice gesture. If it needs help, companies like IKEA are involved with services like Taskrabbit to link consumers to skilled workers who are examined and their constitution by the company. This last part is very important. If your husband has, or if this person from the Big Box store will steal or break something, your son will not be asylum. This can cost him a lot of money. Bring a stranger to your son’s home for several days puts everyone in an unstable position and is likely to bother your son.
Ask your son about the support he needs, listen to what he says, and give him the space to make the house he wants. It is an important part of adulthood.
Now, with regard to success? Certainly no. If your son is very busy so that the furniture does not collect, it is definitely very busy to start a relationship of long distances with a stranger. Once again, I see the loving desire behind the gesture, but I am afraid that your husband will put the cart in front of the horse. Ask your son if he wants companionship. And if he says he is doing that, then talk to him about how he wants to find him. This will give you more information about how to help. There may be services or groups in his area that can help in isolation in a safe and supportive manner in place. But this woman does not seem to be. I am concerned about the ruling of a person who agrees to continue this important. Its presence can be very troubled. Why risk?
I have already done enough by buying furniture. The next thing to do is communicate and listen.
Dear Eric: Godson/my nephew will marry in another country within a few months. I was invited and I was looking to go.
However, with this approaching, I am not sure that I can afford the cost of a plane and the cost of the hotel and other celebrations.
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I really don’t have the money to come. How do I safely refuse to harm the feelings of anyone?
I told my brother and wife that I would divide a hotel room with them. I don’t want to anger, but I seriously do not want to go and do not have money to go. How do I do
Dealing with this?
– A torn aunt
Dear aunt: When people ask relatives to travel to a wedding, they must – usually realize – with this question, comes a larger financial burden than a local wedding. Knowing this, they also tend to think about RSVPs differently. So, although your nephew will miss you at the wedding, it may not be likely to harm feelings as you think. Tell him the truth – you were really looking to go but you cannot bear it.
And tell your brother and wife the same. None of them may have a solution that you do not know or do not think. None of them is likely to take it personally. What we spend on money reflects what we appreciate, but it is not the only way we transfer what is important to us. Tell your nephew and brother early enough so that they have time to develop other plans is also love.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas on Eric@askingeric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Instagram And registration in the weekly newsletter in RECTHOMAS.COM))