Thousands of structures were damaged in the fires that surrounded Los Angeles. This means that you likely know a person (or several people) who have suffered from losing his beloved home and property. Your instinct is communication – and you must. But often, we hear phrases such as:
“Things are replaced.”
“Look at the bright side – at least you are safe!”
“They are just things.”
Or perhaps the worst of all: “You must make a list of gratitude.”
This is toxic positive, and according to IPhone ThomasAnd a psychologist based in Los Angeles specializing in sadness and loss.
It is a tendency to mode a positive spin non -stop on everything, even when it is not called. For example, he can feel a person who has just lost his home, “at least you are alive”, can feel rejected and nullify his pain. Likewise, guaranteeing a person lost a house or a family member that “everything happens for some reason” can make them feel pressure to suppress his grief rather than treating it normally.
It can get worse when someone uses these phrases during the loss period. In a disaster area, like unprecedented fires in Los Angeles, it can be overwhelming. Avoid saying things like, “Don’t worry. Things can only improve”, “You will return to your feet at any time”, or “at least you still have each other.”
When my condolences are offered, it is important to remember to allow the person who feels that the shock finds these positive moments for themselves.
“If someone loses his home, they suffer from feelings,” says Thomas. “Let them tell you,” Oh, at least I managed to save my cat, “but don’t say that for them.
When Christina Galapas lost everything in a house fire in Portland, Oregon, in 2018, her mother immediately told her that everything would be fine, that she was strong and that she would land on her feet.
“I found it very strange,” says Glapas. “I never said I would be fine.”
For Glabas, people who assumed how she felt was stressful and even harmful to her.
“Doing incorrect things in this position can actually push people to the edge,” she says. “Now, I must lie to you to make you feel better about what I said.”
Glapas says, it is important to remember that people will need support – financially and emotionally – for years after the tragedy. You remember a period of stress after the shock when the fire was the only thing you can talk about.
“Remember that this will be their lives over the three years to the next five,” she says. “They will talk about it – and perhaps only – for years, this needs a lot of patience. Many people gather to get support in the days that followed, but where is the help after a year?”
However, Thomas says it is important to remember that there is an accurate line between toxic positive and regular negative.
“You don’t want to outperform sugar, and do not recognize what happened, but you also don’t want to be very frustrated and feel so distary that this will add more discomfort to the other person. The other person can suffer from depression, so they don’t even hear you,” she says.
In the aftermath of a disaster, a whirlwind of emotions can arise, and often start from people. Among these feelings is a complex mix of resentment and jealousy, even towards those who lost everything. These emotional disorders are exacerbated by an overwhelming sense of sympathy and excessive sympathy for the victims, which, which, paradoxes, can lead to severe consequences.
“Many individuals suffer from the guilt of survivors,” explains Thomas, highlighting a very common and disturbing reaction. This feeling of guilt can appear in different ways, from asking about the reason for their success to the feeling of insecurity, which increases the complexity of the healing process for both survivors and passers -by.
She says the best thing to do is keep it simple.
“People do not know how to say,” I am sorry for your loss. “It is one of the most difficult things to do.”
Often, the most important gestures are simple and honest: “I am sorry for your loss.” Providing an ear listening or comfortable folder can speak when words feel insufficient.
For those who move in pain and loss, it may be useful to allow others to provide support, even if you find their efforts. Open the door to communicate, express your needs clearly and remember that weakness can enhance deep understanding and healing. Let people there for you, do not bury your feelings, but make it clear how you want to talk about your loss.