I have lost confidence in my sponsor – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I am in a 12 step program. We have rules about anonymity and confidentiality, specifically that what is shared at a meeting stays at the meeting, and I trust this applies to information shared between members and their sponsors outside of meetings.

At a recent meeting, our sponsor, Sally, used her time to talk about another sponsor, who was not in attendance. She proceeded to describe in great detail how the shepherd seemed to be completely into her old addiction.

Although I’m sure this behavior was disappointing and upsetting to Sally and that she may have needed to process her feelings or vent, I also feel strongly that it was inappropriate to describe these details to a group of 15 people, of which I was one of them, who knew exactly who she was talking about.

Perhaps she could have discussed the matter confidentially with her sponsor. She could even describe the person as a fellow traveler or a friend but used the term “pastor.”

I lost trust in my sponsor. I don’t feel safe sharing personal information about my failures, because she might decide it’s okay to tell others about my problems. I’ve seen her engage in gossip about ACA members in the past, but this went too far.

I have been caring for her since 2016.

I’m trying to decide if I should tell her about my concerns. But I also know that it’s not my job to “fix” her.

I welcome your ideas.

– Shared too much

Dear Share: I agree that Sally should have discussed this with her pastor, if for no other reason than a one-on-one conversation might help her check her thinking and determine what, if anything, was appropriate for the group and what deviated too much from gossip.

Every person’s recovery journey is unique, and you need to be able to set yourself up for success. So, if Sally’s share is a barrier, for your recovery, you should explore a new caring relationship. This may be temporary, or it may be permanent. It’s up to you.

When you talk to her, remember that the goal is not to fix her, or even to give her advice about her lot. Speaking from personal experience. “This is what I heard, this is what I feel, and this is what I will do to process these feelings.” This will help prevent your fears from turning into resentment or other negative feelings that could jeopardize your recovery.

Dear Eric: My husband of 45 years is a naturalized citizen who has been targeted in the past by law enforcement because of the color of his skin. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I fear he will become a target again in today’s scary environment.

I have shared my feelings with many close lifelong friends. These friends haven’t taken the time to check up on me since I shared this with them.

I feel like I’ve been there for them during the years they’ve faced some life challenges and I find myself wondering if I should continue our friendship. Do you have any advice for me?

– Disappointed

Dear disappointed: Not knowing what to say shouldn’t stop any of us from reaching out to a friend in need, but chances are they’ve read the headlines and have no encouragement to offer. I don’t mean to make excuses for your friends, but maybe they feel as helpless as you and don’t know how best to be there for you, even though what you want and need is just a check-in.

This may be a case where you need to be more clear and specific about the type of support you need.

It may be counterintuitive to say to your loved ones, “I would like you to call me to check on me.” One might ask, “Shouldn’t they know they should contact me?” Well, yes and no. We’re all navigating our own complex worlds and sometimes our compassion or good intentions don’t quite hit the mark.

It’s okay to need more than you get, and it would be more beneficial for you to ask for what you need rather than give up on friendships, which could diminish your support network.