Dear Eric: I am in a leadership role in my church. Our community is very loving. We have a relatively new member who is a dear older woman. We think she may be suffering from a little dementia.
He is so grateful for our community and wants to get involved.
The problem is that she signs up to do many of the required tasks for Sundays and other events/occasions, but then doesn’t show up or does the tasks that are part of the thing she signed up for.
How do we deal with this in a loving, kind, and compassionate way?
We have an online registration that has a specific number of people required for each task. If you take one of these slots, all the work ends up on other people or other people. Please help, thank you!
– Trying to be nice
Dear Kind: A multi-pronged strategy will work best. First, you may want to monitor volunteer registrations, and if her name comes up, open another slot so your bases are covered.
Second, see if there is a member in your group who can serve as a volunteer buddy. Is there someone who can foster a stronger relationship with her and reach out to her with reminders of events, or even offer trips or other assistance? This type of service can be integral to keeping community members meaningfully engaged and can also provide another set of caring eyes for potentially frail older people.
Finally, you can talk to her about it in a non-judgmental way, letting her know about an instance or two you’ve noticed, asking her if she’s noticed it too, and suggesting strategies, such as a volunteer buddy or a different type of volunteering, that work for you both.
Dear Eric: I am a 72 year old person, active in several social groups. Is there a polite way to ask if my colleagues have a partner at home or live alone? When I was younger, it would have been easy to ask this question, but I was afraid to upset someone who was widowed or divorced. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances but I’m not sure how to develop my friendship when such a simple question is so taboo. I would appreciate your feedback.
– Personal question
Dear question: I think it’s still polite to ask: “Are you married?” Or “If you don’t mind me asking, are you in a relationship?” Maybe you’ll introduce it by sharing your relationship status. We share information and ask for information in return as a way to get to know people. I find that some widows enjoy being asked to talk about their partner. Likewise, there are some divorced people who do not find it difficult to say: “It was then, and this is now.” Those who may feel offended are also free to refuse.
Dear Eric: The only time I spend on the phone is with three family members.
Although I enjoy and appreciate these conversations, it frustrates me that the only time they call is either when they are driving somewhere or taking a walk. Therefore, our phone connection is often not the best and/or is distracting.
There’s a part of me that wants to say “call me when you can sit down and visit” but the three of them seem to have such full and busy lives that the other part of me is grateful that they take the time to call.
I too could be in the middle of something but I stop and enjoy our conversation and give her my full attention.
Should I suggest that they contact me when they can give me 100 percent of their attention or should they continue to feel grateful that they fit me into their lives?
– Call waiting
Dear call: Ask what you need to make the most of your time together. Your family members are free to make an adjustment, politely decline, or suggest a compromise. But you won’t get there unless you express your feelings.
I have a relative who doesn’t like to talk on the phone if I’m outside. He’s stressing out my cousin, worried that I’ll be distracted by the phone call and won’t be alert enough to my surroundings. It took a little trial and error for me to accept this, I’ll admit. But now I’m more than happy to intentionally find an indoor place to make our calls.
We all have our habits and desires. Sometimes those desires are not disturbed. You’re grateful that they fit you into their lives, but hopefully they’re grateful that you’re making time for them too, and they want that time to have meaning. Relationships flourish when all parties involved feel free enough, and cared enough, to ask for what they need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram Subscribe to our weekly newsletter rericthomas.com.)